Pensacola Independent News

COVER STORY | Vol. 11, No. 47, December 17, 2009
(Naughty or Nice '09)
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Naughty or Nice?

Independent News tradition is to give holiday gifts to our elected officials, leaders and newsmakers. We scour the World Wide Web to find those unique, quirky gifts that will have special meanings for both the recipients and our readers. This will be our first gift list without Ronnie McNesby and Marty Donovan. We did hold a petition drive on whether we should add Donovan to the list, even though he's no longer an elected official, but we fell 5,699 signatures short of the required 5,700. As for Ronnie Mac, we ran out of Hooters gift cards and thought if you can't give somebody what they really like, then you should just pass on giving anything.

For the 2009 gift recipients, please enjoy your gifts and remember that it's the thought that counts. If you already have the gift we've given you, sorry, you're stuck with it. We didn't save any of the receipts.

AL COBY,
Pensacola City Administrator
Boss Toss: Relieve some work-related stress by launching miniature City Council members into the air with the Boss Toss. You can't tell your council to take a hike, but you can send them flying! Load little plastic executives into the plastic shooting device and pull the trigger. You and other city staffers will have a great time flinging political cronies into each other's offices.

MIKE WIGGINS,
Pensacola's Last Weak Mayor
WABAC Machine: Mr. Peabody and Sherman used the WABAC (pronounced "wayback") machine on the "The Rocky and Bullwinkle Show" to transport back in time to right the wrongs of the past and help Sherman with his school reports. You might want to set the dial for October 2009 and rethink your opposition to the new city charter.

JUDY BENSE,
University Of West Florida President
New Car Air Freshener: You've held the UWF presidency for over 18 months and the honeymoon is nearing an end as teachers want pay raises, tuition climbs and your budget shrinks. We suggest using this can of air freshener in your office as much as possible to rekindle those early days when everything was so new.

GENE VALENTINO,
Escambia County Commissioner
EyeClops Mini Projector: No more waiting for BPM to help you with your latest PowerPoint presentation. Just whip out this handy projector that shows your latest 310-point plan on a super-sized screen up to 60-inches wide. The projector fits in the palm of your hand, so you can take it with you anywhere you go.

ESCAMBIA CONSOLIDATION COMMISSION
Real Life Laser Combat: What better way to decide who keeps their jobs in the new consolidated government? Have the 3,000 employees step into the real world of Laser Tag where video game virtual action comes to life. The Nerf laser tag guns have movement and sounds to keep your battles exciting and interesting. You can even let a few employees be armed with Tasers just to liven up the deselection process.

SARAH PALIN,
GOP Spokesperson and Author
Evelyn Wood Speed Reading Course: We're not sure if the former Alaskan governor and vice-presidential candidate has already taken this course. However, it is impressive that Palin could go from not being able to name a book, magazine or newspaper that she had recently read a year ago to writing a bestseller. From non-literate to literate in 10 months is a truly amazing feat that we thought only happened in the world of Fox News.

CHARLIE FAIRCHILD,
No Boss Mayor Leader
Black & White TV: It will remind you of a simpler timewhen the Pensacola phonebook was only 12 pages, there were only AM radio stations and white bread was good for you.

DAVID MORGAN,
Escambia County Sheriff
Rock Band 2: There are times when karaoke just isn't enough of a challenge. You can handle the lead vocals but you will need to find people to play the lead guitar, bass guitar, and drums. We can't wait to hear you sing Billy Idol's "White Wedding."

DIANE MACK,
Pensacola City Councilwoman
Wonder Woman Bracelets: To deflect any potshots taken at you or your innovative ideas.

JEFF MILLER,
Congressman
Obama Nation Playing Cards: Don't blame the player, blame the game. Spend as much U.S. taxpayer money as possible by passing pork' spending bills in Congress. The player that spends the most pork by game end wins. This card game isn't too different from the Bush Nation Playing Cards, except the money went to Dick Cheney's buddies in that game.

CLAY INGRAM,
Candidate For Florida House
Invisibility Cloak: The cloak is mandatory apparel for all Northwest Florida lawmakers in the Florida House. You must put it over your head once you enter Leon County and can't remove the cloak until you return home.

BOBBY BOWDEN,
Soon-to-be-retired Florida State Football Coach
Special Sideline Pass: The pass includes a headset over which you call in plays for former stars Charlie Ward, Danny McManus and Chris Weinke to runand as much Gatorade you want to drink.

KIM KIMBROUGH,
Downtown Improvement Board Executive Director
Roll of quarters: Once a day take a stroll around downtown and feed the expired parking meters. The good PR could work wonders.

MARIE YOUNG,
Escambia County Commissioner
Don't Sleep! Ear Piece: This alarm is probably one of the most ingenious things for commissioners who easily nap and fall asleep when they are attending meetings. The alarm sits on your ear and works as a spirit level. When you start nodding your head, it starts hooting and you wake up immediately.

DEEDEE RITCHIE,
Commercial Real Estate Broker and Former State Legislator
Magic 8 Ball: Will you run for mayor or not? Only the Magic 8 Ball knows.

FRANK LAY,
Pace High School Evangelist
Walk On Water Ball: The 6-Foot Walk-on-Water Ball lets you literally walk on water in the same kind of way hamsters can move around in plastic balls that roll. It uses a very unique design featuring dozens of inset cups which provide some kind of grip against the water's surface. Probably not biblically correct, but it's good enough to sneak religion into your science classes. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

BARACK OBAMA,
President
Air Jordan shoes: Sometimes the only way to shut up the opposition is to dunk in their face. Shooting from inside the three-point arc never makes the ESPN highlights.

CRYSTAL SPENCER,
Attorney
"Thank you" note from the city: Mayor Wiggins never thanked you and your commission for the nearly two years you devoted to the city to create a new city charter. Instead Pensacola tends to reward public service with scorn and criticism. Thank you from the IN.

JOHN JERRALDS,
Pensacola City Councilman
To Do List pad: We love your speeches. We love your passion for helping the minority community. However, if you want to be Marie Young's successor, you will have to show some accomplishments.

GLENN BECK,
Fox News Host
Truth serum: There is a special place in hell for people who scare the elderly and children and your Nielsen ratings won't save you. Not since Sen. Joe McCarthy has this nation had a bigger fear-monger.

DAVID STAFFORD,
Escambia County Supervisor of Elections
Soapbox: For your campaign for mayor/Congress/state senator/governor/president.

TIGER WOODS,
PGA Golf Legend
Mulligan: We think Woods' drive from Windermere that occurred around 2:30 a.m. Friday, Nov. 26, during which he ran over a fire hydrant and smashed into a tree in a neighbor's yard, is one he would like to do over.

HOLLY BENSON,
Candidate for Florida Attorney General
Jeb Bush endorsement: This is the one thing that could put the Pensacola native over the top in this race. Jeb Bush endorsement is gold among the Republican faithful, although it's not certain how well it would work in the general election.

THADDEUS COHEN,
Community Development for City of Pensacola
Realtor: It's time you move to Pensacola from Tallahassee.

QUINT STUDER,
Co-owner Pensacola Pelicans
New baseball park: You've fulfilled all your commitments and paid out more than $3 million in consultants and planners to help develop the initial Community Maritime Park concept, contributions to Maritime Museum and in life insurance premiums to guarantee your lease agreement. The delays have cost the city the American Association's all-star game and hundreds of jobs. Thank goodness, construction will begin soon.

GROVER ROBINSON, IV
Escambia County
Commissioner
Bus route map: This will help you avoid being thrown under the bus again by Commissioner Valentino.

ESCAMBIA COUNTY COMMISSION
Tin cup: The county has being carrying on its books a $17.68 million receivable from the Federal Emergency Management Agency. The money was borrowed from the Local Option Sales Tax fund and has yet to be repaid. If FEMA doesn't pay the receivable, the next budget could have a huge hole to fill.

FRED LEVIN,
Attorney
Pensacola Junior College: The local state college would complete the trifecta that already includes the Fredric G. Levin College of Law and the Martin H. Levin Advocacy Center at the University of Florida. Levin State College could eventually apply for university status and have its athletic teams compete in the Southeastern Conference under the name LSU2.

MAREN DEWEESE,
Pensacola City Councilwoman
PowerPoint tutorial: Mayor Wiggins committed during the televised debate on the City charter to allow you to present in January the Pensacola Promise, a scholarship program for a Pensacola high school graduate. Time to brush up on your PowerPoint skills.

MORT O'SULLIVAN,
Past Chairmen of Pensacola Bay Area Chamber of Commerce,
The Song "Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye": After two years as chamber chairman and five years working on the Community Maritime Park, you deserve this tune that has been become the anthem for sports teams after victories.

Past Naughty or Nice Gifts

2004

DENIS MCKINNON SR., Executive Director United Way of Escambia County: Combination to the Wachovia Bank safe. After a few hours in the vault, he could make sure United Way makes its 2004 campaign goal of $3 million-plus.

CARY STIDHAM, Escambia County School Board member: It's time the school board's micro-managing holdout relax a little. We have just the thing, "Chill Out Mama Bath Set." The care package includes bath salts, body polish, body lotion, and a lavender-scented candle that burns 25 hours.

CHUCK PORTER, Port of Pensacola director: The Pig Catapult. If pigs can fly, then the Port of Pensacola may yet show a profit. This 6-inch shooting device is made of plastic and comes with ample pig ammo for a full-fledged, pig-flinging party.

2005

MIKE WHITEHEAD, District 1 Escambia County Commissioner, Inflatable Deer Head: No more worries over hunting licenses and wildlife agents. With just a little hot air, Whitehead will have the perfect trophy for his office. "Why shoot em, when you can simply blow them up!"

TOM BONFIELD, Pensacola city manager, "The Biggest Loser Diet" book: It's time to cut the fat in city government. Paying $61.8 million a year for personnel services seems a little high for a city of 50,000. If not, then maybe everybody in Pensacola should work for the city. Then the average pay would top $50G's a year, and the area would be the richest in the state, instead of the poorest.
PATRICK MADDEN, Sacred Heart Health System CEO, Fighting Nun puppet: Tired of fighting the federal government and insurance companies on fee schedules? Pull out the Fighting Nun. All you have to do is push the buttons under her habit with your fingers, and she comes out swinging.

2006

MARTY DONOVAN, Pensacola City Council District 4: A box of piesblueberry, pecan, pumpkin, but mostly humble.

SAM HALL, Pensacola City Council District 2: The 12-inch single remix of "You Don't Have To Be A Star." Just a reminder that to get anything accomplished on the Pensacola City Council, it takes five more votes.

KATHERINE HARRIS, Former U.S. House Rep and U.S. Senate Candidate: Spot on American Express commercial. "Remember me? I used to be liked by the Bush family."

2007

ROBERT MCCLURE, Santa Rosa County Tax Collector: Fake ATM slips. We heard about these on National Public Radio. For $15, you receive 52 ATM slips printed on thermal paper and dated every Friday for a year. Each receipt includes your name, the last four digits of your account number, a withdrawal amount and closing balance of your choosing. We've ordered plenty before the next audit.

LUKE MCCOY, Host of WCOA's "Pensacola Speaks" Radio Show: A mirror. Just keep repeating to yourself, "You're Good Enough, You're Smart Enough, and Doggone It, People Like You." Then close your little eyes tight, envision your happy place and tap your ruby slippers three times.

GARY BERGOSH, Circuit Court Judge, First Judicial District: An eight-track version of the hit song "He Ain't Heavy, He's My Brother." There is a reason why your parents didn't want little Jeffrey left alone in his room too long.

2008

JOHN FOGG, Pensacola Mayor: "The Office," "30 Rock" and "My Name is Earl" DVD sets. After 18 years on the Pensacola City Council, your Thursday nights are finally open. You will need a little help catching up on the hot television series that were broadcast while you were chairing council meetings.

JUANITA SCOTT, Team Obama campaign organizer: Tiara. You have proved once again that nobody can organize a grassroots campaign better than you. You did it for the Community Maritime Park. You did it for Barack Obama. You deserve a crown.

RON MCNESBY, Escambia County Sheriff: Univac 3000 Paper Shredder: You know why.

InWeekly

Naughty or Nice?