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Wednesday July 30th 2014

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Outtakes 7/19/12

SMARTER GENDER New research shows that women have a higher IQ than men.  Having lived with the Outzen women for three decades, I could have told the IQ testing experts this fact without spending thousands of dollars.

Researcher James Flynn announced to media last week that his study, which will be published in his book due to hit the stands in September, showed that women have closed the IQ gap and have inched ahead.

Gap? What gap?

Flynn collected data from Australia, New Zealand, South Africa, Estonia and Argentina on scores on a standard IQ test. Each country tested at least 500 men and 500 women. Had he spent 30 minutes in the Outzen household, Flynn would have seen the females are far more advanced than the male, namely me.

The announcement by Flynn brought forth a series of theories as to how women are now smarter than men, after 100 years of testing that showed females lagging behind. One theory offered was that women have always been capable of scoring higher, but the bar had historically been much lower for women in education, job opportunities and social roles.

The Outzen women just laugh when presented with this research. They look at me as I try to program the DVR or reset the microwave’s clock and chuckle…and not in a kind way. They know that I don’t know the difference between aspirin and ibuprofen or what clothes can be washed together.

The last time I did a load of dirty clothes everything turned out pink and half of the load looked liked eye patches that they claimed were panties. They have sent me to the drive-thru with a very specific order for Chicken McNuggets, Grilled Chicken sandwiches and a Quarter Pounder with cheese. I froze up at the speaker and came back with two kid’s meals, a Big Mac and six large fries.

The Outzen women, ages 18-30, know that I can’t remember their names or the names of their husbands and boyfriends. However, it’s heredity. My dad just called us “boy” or gave us a number—“No. 1 son,” “No. 2 son,” “No. 3 son,” etc. When he tried to use our names, he got it wrong as he went down the list of Rick, Hugh, Rob, Martin and Drew.

Me?

I call the Outzen women either “Cat”—the oldest’s nickname—or some combination, like “Trishney.” I’m really working hard on the husbands’ names, but I could care less about knowing the names of any of Trishney’s boyfriends.

Mr. Flynn, your upcoming book isn’t going to play well in the Outzen household. What I need is a how-to guide on how to catch up to the Outzen women.  Sadly, I don’t think it will ever exist.