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Holmes Declares Candidacy


Tallahassee shutters at the thought
By Rueben Kincaid

Sometimes Independent News reporter Walker Holmes has declared his candidacy for the Florida House of Representatives, District 2, which was formerly held by former Gulf Breeze City Councilman Clay Ford.

“I’ve parked my car, which is my residence, at the Wayside Park in Gulf Breeze, and want to serve my community,” said Holmes in press conference held next to his Ford Fiesta. “I’m a faith-based family man, committed to working hard to honor the Christian values that are the foundation of our faith and families in my service on behalf of Northwest Florida.”

Holmes, who has never been married or gone to church, said he would run on a pro-family, pro-faith, pro-NRA and pro-business platform.

“It worked for Sen. Greg Evers and, gosh darn, it will work for me,” the candidate told the crowd of fishermen by the park. “Nobody is more right-wing than I am. I think that Evers and Matt Gaetz are too liberal.”

Holmes has no visible signs of support, other than his once-a-year writing for the Independent News, which has declared no ties to his candidacy. For years, many thought he lived in the sound booth at New York Nicks behind the boxes—owner Nick Zangari refused to talk to IN.

He attended the University of Mississippi, where he invented streaking in the 1970s. When he was kicked out of school, Holmes joined the military before moving into journalism. He traveled frequently, including stints in Puerto Rico, Brazil and Atmore, before settling in Pensacola in the late 1990s.

He shows up to the Independent News offices once a year with a brown paper bag filled with his articles that have been published every April 1 since 2004.

At his press conference, Holmes said that he will not participate in any debates, but is willing to duel anyone else in the race.

“I’m a man of action. May the best shot win and earn the office,” he said. “Every state representative should have to face down a bullet before taking office. Sort of gives a new meaning to ‘Stand Your Ground,’ doesn’t it?”

The candidate scoffed at the popular notion that the winner in the race needed to raise a minimum of $25,000.

“After a few duels, it won’t matter how much money they have in their campaign account,” said Holmes.

Holmes’ “Take No Prisoners” campaign will have its first rally on April 1 at 5:30 p.m. on The Deck at The Fish House. Happy hour prices are in full effect and the bar will remain open during speeches and any subsequent duels. Campaign contributions are appreciated, but not required.

WALKER HOLMES’ TAKE NO PRISONERS RALLY
WHEN: 5:30 p.m. Monday, April 1
WHERE: The Deck at The Fish House, 600 S. Barracks St.
COST: Free, campaign checks appreciated
DETAILS: duelingforyou.org