Pensacola, Florida
Tuesday October 16th 2018


News of the Weird 10/19/17

By the Editors at Andrews McMeel

Alien Invasion Bryant Johnson of Casper, Wyoming, was on a mission on Oct. 2 when police responded to a call about a man warning citizens of an alien invasion coming next year. KTWO Radio in Casper reported that Johnson told police he had traveled back in time from 2048, explaining that the aliens filled his body with alcohol and had him stand on a giant pad that transported him back to 2017—although he was supposed to arrive in 2018. He also asked to speak with the “president of the town.” Instead, Bryant was arrested for public intoxication.

Farm Animals Gone Wild The owners of a mischievous ass in Vogelsberg, Hesse, Germany, have been ordered to pay for damages after Vitus the donkey apparently mistook an orange McLaren Spider sports car for a carrot. When Markus Zahn left his $411,000 car parked next to a paddock on Sept. 16, 2016, he returned to find that Vitus had nibbled on its paint to the tune of almost $7,000 in damage. “The donkey had insurance, but the insurance didn’t want to pay,” Zahn told the BBC. Vitus’s rap sheet also includes biting a Mercedes.

Oops! In Romania, it takes more than foul weather or a damaged field to stop football. On Sept. 24, a match between Bistrita Brosteni and Vanatorul Dorna Candrenilor was abandoned just 58 minutes in after all the teams’ balls ended up in the nearby Bistrita River, according to the Hindustan Times. Bistrita was winning 2-0 when they ran out of balls. Fans suggested they might find the balls at the Bicaz dam nearby.

Creeps on Parade Samantha the intelligent sex doll suffered a number of indignities at the Ars Electronica Festival in Linz, Austria, in early September. Sergi Santos of Barcelona, Spain, who developed Samantha, said men at the show acted “like barbarians. Two fingers were broken. She was heavily soiled.” Samantha, who talks, is also programmed to react when someone touches her. Santos told Metro News that Samantha would have to undergo repairs and cleaning, but she “can endure a lot. She will pull through.”

•Metro News also reports that women in Middlesbrough, Cleveland, England, have contacted police about a mysterious man handing out provocative notes in the streets. The notes begin: “No offence intended. You are simply a female that caught my eye. … I am looking for a possible private arrangement. If you understand my meaning.” The man has handed out several of the notes, one to a 14-year-old girl at Middlesbrough Bus Station. Her sister called the phone number at the bottom of the note and said the voice “sounded foreign.” She went on: “It made me feel a bit uncomfortable and it set off my anxiety.”

DO NOT EAT! Doctors thought a 47-year-old postman in Preston, Lancashire, England, who complained of a persistent cough might have cancer, as he was a long-term smoker whose X-rays showed a spot on his lung. But when they removed the mass, the BBC reported, they found the “long-lost Playmobil traffic cone” the patient had received as a gift on his seventh birthday. He told doctors he had regularly swallowed the small pieces as a child and believed he had inhaled the tiny cone. Happy ending: After the toy was removed, the man’s cough almost disappeared and his other symptoms improved.

Corporate Shenanigans The Russian division of Burger King has asked the country’s Federal Anti-Monopoly Service to ban Stephen King’s horror movie “It” from showing in Russian theaters because the clown character, Pennywise, looks too much like Ronald McDonald, and therefore the movie is advertising for McDonald’s. However, the Hollywood Reporter noted, the movie opened in Russia on Sept. 7 and had already grossed millions of dollars by late September. A spokeswoman for the FAS, confirming that the complaint had been received, said, “We can’t be concerned with the content of the film,” but the agency would determine whether it contained advertising or product placement.

Inexplicable If you’re already shopping for your 2018 calendar, Metro News recommends you don’t overlook the Carponizer Carp Calendar, which features “12 beautiful carps with attractive women. On high quality paper.” Oh, and the women are naked. Hendrik Pohler, 28, the calendar’s creator, was struck with the idea when he was fishing with a friend “and at the spot next to us were two hot girls fishing,” he told Maxim, which described the models as having “stiff, pained expressions.”

Questionable Judgment Minnesota State Police nabbed a motorcycle rider on Aug. 31 who was weaving in and out of traffic on Interstate 394 and performing stunts, all while wearing a panda suit, complete with an oversize animal head. The rider told police that the panda suit was meant to help his motorcycle videos “go viral,” but police responded with a citation for reckless driving, and they confiscated the panda head. “A panda head will not protect you in a crash like a DOT-approved helmet would,” police advised on their Facebook page.