Pensacola, Florida
Wednesday August 21st 2019


News of the Weird 6/13/19

By the Editors at Andrews McMeel

It’s Come to This The Pokemon Co. has made Japanese brides’ dreams come true with its announcement that it is collaborating with a wedding planner to offer sanctioned ceremonies with its characters in attendance, dressed as a bride and groom. Yes, Pikachu will stand up with you and your betrothed (as long as you go to Japan to tie the knot), and the icing on the cake is Pokemon-themed food items and a Pikachu cake topper. Finally, United Press International reports, for your scrapbook, you’ll have a marriage certificate decorated with Pokemon imagery—surely an item you’ll want to preserve in a licensed Pokemon photo frame.

Stay With Me Here Around 1:40 a.m. on May 9, as an unnamed Cocoa, Florida, homeowner slept in her garage, a black Cadillac crashed into the structure, missing her by only inches, according to the 911 call. The Cadillac was stolen, it turns out, and was fleeing an Orange County Sheriff’s Office patrol vehicle — which was also stolen and being driven by someone impersonating a police officer. After the crash, WFTV reported, the imposter patrolman continued trying to pull over vehicles before speeding away. The patrol SUV was later abandoned behind a shopping plaza in Cocoa.

Least Competent Criminal Police in Lincoln, Nebraska, responded to a call on May 21 about a domestic assault. They didn’t find the suspect, identified as Markel Towner, 26, in the residence, but someone who matched his description was sitting outside in a car. When questioned, the man said his name was Deangelo Towns, but a fashion faux pas led officers to suspect he was lying—a lanyard around the man’s neck clearly bore the name “Markel Towner.” After some resistance, KETV reported, Towner was finally subdued and arrested on a variety of charges.

Oops An unidentified man in Tuscumbia, Alabama, did what so many of us do every day: He went online to Amazon to order some household items. But when his package arrived on May 23, he was alarmed to discover a urine sample from a private citizen, not the shower curtain and rings he’d ordered. “When I reached in and pulled it out (it was) some kind of urine specimen or something like that,” he told WHNT. An Amazon representative said the company was “very sorry” about the mistake and would send his bathroom accessories right away, but declined to have him return the sample.

Bright Ideas May 17 wasn’t the first time Dan Smith of Seattle found a Car2Go vehicle left in the driveway of his rental property, so he erected a fence around it and posted NO TRESPASSING signs and other warnings. He then informed Car2Go’s parent company, Share Now, that he wanted $65 per day for storage, $300 for the fence and $500 for harassment. Share Now responded to inquiries from KIRO saying seven different customers tried to rent the car a day after it was left in Smith’s driveway but couldn’t because of the barricade. Asad Rasheed, who lives in Smith’s building, said the errantly parked vehicles are a common problem: “People are not made aware of where to park, where not to park and how to use them,” Rasheed said. Share Now has agreed to work with Smith but told the TV station they wouldn’t be paying him.

•Damon Hudson, 25, of St. Ives, England, first noticed his missing milk delivery on May 17. “My milk delivery means the world to me. My little brother and sister can’t function without their cereal in the morning,” Hudson told Metro News. He could see the thief on his doorbell video footage, but he didn’t want to bother the police with such a trivial case, so after two weeks of going milk-less, he set up his own sting. Hudson introduced a couple of new ingredients in the milk bottle: fish oil and his own urine. “Hopefully that’s the end. The weirdo deserves it.” No word on whether the thief has found a new target.

Star Treatment Gwen Lynch, the lone 2019 graduate of the eighth grade at Cuttyhunk Elementary School on Cuttyhunk Island, Massachusetts, will receive the accolades and advice of a celebrity graduation speaker, actress and comedian Jenny Slate, on June 17. The island, which has a year-round population of only about a dozen people, is familiar to Slate, whose parents live nearby, reported the Cape Cod Times. Gwen has also been working on her own speech. Graduation festivities will include a potluck dinner, and organizers expect a “packed house”: “Most of the town will be there,” predicted Michael Astrue, who secured Slate for the address.

Fashion Statement Beachgoers looking to make a statement this summer will want to check out the Jeado, a Speedo-style swimsuit brief for men that looks like it’s cut from a pair of jeans, but is really made of polyester and Spandex, for comfort and quick drying. The retailer describes the faux-denim look: “It is like eating a bag of chips in church. Everyone looks over at you with disgust, but deep down they want some too.” United Press International reports that Jeados sell for $39.99 through


From Andrews McMeel Syndication
News Of The Weird 
© 2019 Andrews McMeel


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