Pensacola, Florida
Sunday April 22nd 2018


Winners & Losers 2/10/11

Since his first week in office, Mayor Ashton Hayward has issued press releases on what he has accomplished each week. The nosy cubicle of the political investigation wing of the downtown Pensacola branch office of the Independent News media and entertainment empire has found these series of accomplishments by the city’s first strong mayor that have gone unreported…until now:

HIRES NATIONAL SEARCH FIRM Mayor Hayward hired Double Bubble Productions to do a nationwide search for a theme song for his administration. Early suggestions include “Takin’ Care of Business” by Bachman Turner Overdrive, “Welcome to the Working Week” by Elvis Costello and “I’m Too Sexy” by Right Fred Said.

RENTS OUT THIRD FLOOR In an effort to increase efficiency and increase revenues, Mayor Hayward rented out the third floor of City Hall to Domino’s Pizza. It saves time on those long working nights. The pizza delivery guys can walk the deliveries upstairs. They can also use the city vehicles that will be parked at night, starting March 1. It’s truly a win-win decision.

INITIATES NEW PROGRAM Mayor Hayward has completed the finishing touches on his new “Drive a Department Head to Work” program. Citizens will be asked to volunteer to drive the city employees who lost that take-home car benefit to work every day. Stops at Krispy Kreme, McDonald’s and What-a-Burger might also be required.

ORDERS STAMP For the first time in Pensacola history, the mayor will have the power to veto legislation passed by the Pensacola City Council. Mayor Hayward ordered his veto stamp. It reads, “Hell, No!”

FINDS SECRET FLOOR Mayor Hayward finds “Man Cave” on the eighth floor of Pensacola City Hall. Although the elevator only shows seven floors, there is a secret stairway in former Assistant City Manager Robert Payne’s office. The cave has a refrigerator full of Pabst Blue Ribbon and Tab and pool and beer pong tables, It is wallpapered with the membership certificates of people booted out of the McGuire’s Irish Politician’s Club.

SELLING NAMING RIGHTS Mayor Hayward has explored the possibility of selling the naming rights to Pensacola. The most obvious corporate targets are the soda companies, Pepsi and Coca-Cola. However, don’t rule out Pepto-Bismol (Peptocola) or the Sarah Palin presidential campaign (Palincola).

BREAKS UP CITY HALL CLIQUES Mayor Hayward decreed during his second week that city employees can no longer refer to themselves as Gryffindors, Ravenclaws, Slytherins and Hufflepuffs. They are not to call him “Harry,” Larry Johnson “Ron” or Maren DeWeese “Hermione.” Staff also had to turn in their wands and agree to quit casting spells on the city council. Hayward made former City Manager Al Coby give up his cloak of invisibility, too.