Pensacola, Florida
Saturday October 25th 2014

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HAYWARD HIRES CHARLIE SHEEN
TROUBLED STAR NEW CITY ADMINISTRATOR Mayor Ashton Hayward has completed his nationwide search for his city administrator and stunned the Pensacola City Council with his appointment of Charlie Sheen. “You have to keep your eye on the prize…”

BP BUILDS NUCLEAR POWER PLANT
WHAT COULD GO WRONG? BP has been quietly buying up the land in north Escambia County. “We have our best and brightest minds working…”

MORGAN CHALLENGES GADDAFI
MMA BATTLE ON PAY-PER-VIEW Fresh from taking on Gov. Rick Scott, County Commissioner Grover Robinson and three federal judges, Sheriff David Morgan has challenged the embattled dictator of Libya, Muammar Gaddafi, to a Mixed Martial Arts duel to be fought April 1 outdoors on Pensacola Beach.

EVERS WANTS GUN VENDING MACHINES
GUN HATERS ARE FOREWARNED “As silly as it may sound, people can buy soda and candy from vending machines, but not handguns,” said Sen. Greg Evers. “This fixes that problem.”

SCOTT SELLS FLORIDA
MAKES NICE PROFIT ON $73 MILLION INVESTMENT Gov. Rick Scott announced today that he has sold Florida to the Koch brothers. Residents across the state have 60 days to vacate their properties or sign lease agreements with Koch Industries.

PLAYBOY PICKS SCHOOL DISTRICT AS TOP PARTY SPOT
ESCAMBIA SCHOOLS FINALLY FINISH AT THE TOP OF SOMETHING Each year, Playboy Magazine ranks its top ten party schools. The Escambia County Public School District surprisingly heads the list for 2011.

SANTA ROSA STARTS FCAT DRAFT
TEACHERS BATTLE FOR BEST TEST TAKERS Santa Rosa County public schools plan to institute a student draft for the 2011-12 school year. Teachers will pick in rotation the top FCAT students from the incoming class and hope to build a strong class score and earn fat bonuses from the school districts.