Pensacola, Florida
Sunday May 20th 2018



By Walker Holmes

Mayor Ashton Hayward has completed his nationwide search for his city administrator and stunned the Pensacola City Council with his appointment of Charlie Sheen.

“You have to keep your eye on the prize, and Sheen’s bloodshot eyes are the best,” said Hayward at a press conference. “Charlie has been looking for a career change, and we were lucky to get him.”

The former star of “Two and a Half Men” was fired on March 7 by CBS and Warner Bros. The official statement read: “After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on ‘Two and a Half Men’ effective immediately.”

Hayward dismissed the controversy. “I believe that Charlie will be able to stay calm and focused. He will start work at 11 a.m. just like everyone else around here and put in a full five-hour day.”

Sheen, dressed in a bowling shirt and khaki shorts, said, “Everybody thinks I should be begging for my job back. Well, I’ve got this job now. Where’s the can?”

Hayward announced, to Councilman Larry Johnson’s cheers, that Sheen was bringing the “goddesses,” his two live-in girlfriends Bree Olsen and Natalie Kenly, to Pensacola. “As a city, we are able to offer our citizens amenities that many cities our size aren’t able to offer,” said Mayor Hayward.

Sheen did have some advice for Mayor Hayward. “I told Mayor Hayward he should work on his impulse control, just try to think things through a little bit before he does them.”

When asked about how he will deal with the city council, the actor-turned-administrator said, “I have poetry in my finger tips. Most of the time I’m an F-18, bro’—I’ll destroy you in the air.”

Mayor Hayward scoffed at any questions about Sheen’s experience to be the administrator. “Neither one of us has the experience to run this city the way that it will have to be run,” he said. “I have 15 years experience working for two of the most reputable companies in the world. Charlie has been on television and in movies. That should be enough to satisfy anybody.”

Is Hayward worried about Sheen’s past? Hardly. “Some of our greatest presidents have made mistakes and have gone on to give incredible community service,” said the mayor.

Sheen added, “I tired of pretending I’m not special. I’m a bitchin’ rockstar from Mars, baby.”

Read our other April 1 News Stories.