Pensacola, Florida
Sunday May 27th 2018



By Walker Holmes

BP has been quietly buying up the land in north Escambia County. Many have speculated that it was Gulf Power, but the oil giant admitted on Friday that it had been the purchaser of most of the farmland north of Cantonment.

“We have our best and brightest minds working on the design of a nuclear power plant for Northwest Florida,” said Lucy Bustamoney, BP spokesperson, at a press conference held on the steps of the Escambia County Courthouse. “We are in this area for the long haul. We’re not going away until we build this plant right.”

The IN learned that BP has hired Three Little Pigs Engineers to design the plant, the same engineers behind the Deepwater Horizon rig design. Bustamoney, who was wearing a HazMat suit at the press conference, said, “We will cut no corners. Every reasonable safety measure will be used.”

BP has guaranteed to the Escambia County Commission that their plant will be 100-percent safe and will pose no threat to public safety, as long as there are no earthquakes, equipment malfunctions or safety failures. “We have learned a great deal from our last three explosions,” said Bustamoney. “We tried to do as much as we could as fast we could. I would say we now have a much better understanding of nuclear power.”

Construction of the nuclear plant has already begun. The facility will create 8,000 jobs for the area by the time construction is completed.

“Take that Gene Valentino,” said Pensacola Bay Area Chamber of Commerce chairman Collier Merrill at the press conference. “Vision 2015 has met its goal in three months. Now we can buy more of those magnetic buttons.”

Bustamoney stated that about 80 percent of those workers are from Florida, and that after a few hiccups with outside staffing companies and subcontractors, things are going generally more smoothly. About 90 plant workers’ contracts were terminated on March 31 when it was found that the subcontractor who had hired them had not been trained to provide hazwoper training to his employees.

Most of those workers who managed to complete the additional training and pass drug tests are now back at work, and BP and its subcontractors continue to hire and train workers in Escambia County for work, according to Bustamoney.

Bustamoney said that BP is committed to helping the area. “Just like we did with the oil spill.”

Read our other April 1 News Stories.

Note: This is part of our 2012 April Fool’s issue, meaning it’s satire…not true.