Pensacola, Florida
Monday July 22nd 2019



By Walker Holmes

Gov. Rick Scott announced today that he has sold Florida to the Koch brothers. Residents across the state have 60 days to vacate their properties or sign lease agreements with Koch Industries, the second largest privately-owned company in the United States.

David and Charles Koch are the billionaire supporters behind the Tea Party and Republican governors like Wisconsin’s Scott Walker, Ohio’s John Kasich and Florida’s Rick Scott. They support the think-tanks that advised Gov. Scott to not accept $2 billion from the federal government for the high-speed rail project that would have connected Tampa and Orlando, and also supported the GOP efforts to bust the public employee unions across the country.

Rick Scott, also a conservative Republican billionaire, plucked the Florida governor’s job from the party establishment in November with $73 million of his own money and the backing of the Tea Party and vowed during his campaign to run the troubled state like a corporate chief executive and not a politician.

Like any good corporate CEO, Scott saw an opportunity to make a profit on his campaign investment and bailed before things got too hot to handle. The new governor’s popularity numbers are just slightly above Libyan ruler Muammar Gaddafi, but still below the guy who poisoned the Toomer’s Corner trees. Scott’s budget has been criticized by everyone, including his mother.

Gov. Scott would not reveal what the sales price for the state was but said that he can now afford a hair piece, or at least a nice baseball cap.

Meanwhile, the Koch brothers refused to confirm or deny the purchase, but have begun building a fence along Florida’s borders and placing toll booths on all highways leading into the former state.

Rick Scott also announced at the press conference his plans to move to Georgia, where he plans to run for governor in 2012. “Heck, I’ve got campaign money that’s burning a hole in my pocket.”

Read our other April 1 News Stories.