Rush Limbaugh had it right all along.
I’m not a journalist, but I did write a few articles last year for the Independent News. On the surface, most of these pieces were simple write-ups about upcoming music acts or profiles of local businesses. But underneath was a hidden agenda, one shared by the entire American media—except Fox News.
Despite what others may tell you, the liberal media bias exists. And it’s more powerful than you could ever know.
I can’t say that I understand the full extent of the leftist media conspiracy, or “leftspiracy,” but here are four things I do know:
1) Every word of every news story is examined and approved by Barack Obama.
This naturally takes up a lot of his time, as he must spend most of his workday burying stories about his real birthplace and Muslim upbringing. To compensate, Obama leaves the day-to-day business of running the country to a team of illegal immigrants and abortion doctors.
2) All journalists are required to attend a monthly seminar and banquet hosted by Keith Olbermann.
Here, Lord Keith assigns every reporter a month’s worth of articles designed to surreptitiously undermine the Right. He then slaughters a virgin lamb and lights the Bible on fire.
The menu is imitation chicken bean curd patties, wheat grass tea, a $12 latte, and marijuana.
3) During their senior year, journalism majors must attend state-funded re-education camps.
These are largely redundant, as journalism majors have already been indoctrinated by years of instruction at the hands of socialist-terrorist professors, but they serve as a valuable reinforcement tool for those few who have not yet memorized the entirety of The Communist Manifesto.
Students who pursue a masters degree in journalism have the liberty of writing their thesis on the topic of their choice, anything from “Obama: Great President” to “Obama: Greatest President.”
4) When interviewing a Republican, journalists are only allowed to record every third word and can rearrange the resulting quote in any way they choose.
They are also strongly encouraged to put their fingers in their ears and sing the Russian national anthem, so as not to be exposed to any harmful Christian values.
These are just the tip of the iceberg—an iceberg that the AP requires me to tell you is currently melting due to manmade causes.
If you want to continue to have all your news filtered through the freedom-hating lens of the leftist journastapo, then by all means, keep reading the paper and watching TV. Me, I’m going to base my opinions on the only reliable news sources we have left—chain emails and Twitter.
Grant Hutchinson is a freelance writer and founder of Hutchinson Communications, a local advertising agency.